(no subject)
Mar. 8th, 2004 10:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katikatHm, what would you do, if you knew that your classmates were talking about you behind your back? If you saw them pointing at you and grimacing? I don´t know if they think that I´m blind or deaf or simply ignorant. Or maybe they just don´t care.
I must say that today really opened my eyes. And all that was needed was one comment during our German conversation class. Obviously, I´m too energetic and am too used to force my will upon others. Why? Because I do what I should be doing in a conversation class, which means, that I´m talking. And what was the whole mess about? I answered a question for one of my classmates. Well, she went all err... ehm... uh... and so I helped her. Nothing more. And you know what she did? She turned to me and snapped: "I have mouth, too." and looked at my classmates sitting behind me in the same moment. And I heard them whispering. No, I´m not paranoid, really, because I´m not deaf. That was a real cold shower, because until this very moment I had been convinced that everything was going smoothly and that we all were having fun. Obviously not.
And you know what? That got me thinking. When I was riding in the bus and looking out of the window, I looked back at my life in a harsh, realistic light and found out a strange thing. There is a pattern in my life that keeps repeating itself. No matter how I try, I always end up being the outsider in every group I try to fit in. I´m either not pretty enough, not slim enough, not who knows what enough. Or too geeky, too smart, too whatever. I don´t drink, I don´t smoke, I don´t like going out to bars and I don´t curse. And no, I don´t go to church either. So, yeah, I don´t fit anywhere.
And this way I came to a very funny - or not - realization. I will never find anybody who would like me and with whom I could spent my life. It´s pretty simple and when you look at it detachedly, you´ll see it, too. I never could hold onto my friends long, since every one of them lost her/his interest in me sooner or later. And when I can´t keep a friend, why should I be able to win and hold onto a man - or a woman, no prejudice here - who would love me?
It´s weird because this leaves me strangely cold and unmoved. It´s as if I am watching someone else´s life on TV. No emotions here. Weird.
This is not me whining here. No, you really don´t want to find out how whiny I can be. I´m just stating facts. Hm...
I must say that today really opened my eyes. And all that was needed was one comment during our German conversation class. Obviously, I´m too energetic and am too used to force my will upon others. Why? Because I do what I should be doing in a conversation class, which means, that I´m talking. And what was the whole mess about? I answered a question for one of my classmates. Well, she went all err... ehm... uh... and so I helped her. Nothing more. And you know what she did? She turned to me and snapped: "I have mouth, too." and looked at my classmates sitting behind me in the same moment. And I heard them whispering. No, I´m not paranoid, really, because I´m not deaf. That was a real cold shower, because until this very moment I had been convinced that everything was going smoothly and that we all were having fun. Obviously not.
And you know what? That got me thinking. When I was riding in the bus and looking out of the window, I looked back at my life in a harsh, realistic light and found out a strange thing. There is a pattern in my life that keeps repeating itself. No matter how I try, I always end up being the outsider in every group I try to fit in. I´m either not pretty enough, not slim enough, not who knows what enough. Or too geeky, too smart, too whatever. I don´t drink, I don´t smoke, I don´t like going out to bars and I don´t curse. And no, I don´t go to church either. So, yeah, I don´t fit anywhere.
And this way I came to a very funny - or not - realization. I will never find anybody who would like me and with whom I could spent my life. It´s pretty simple and when you look at it detachedly, you´ll see it, too. I never could hold onto my friends long, since every one of them lost her/his interest in me sooner or later. And when I can´t keep a friend, why should I be able to win and hold onto a man - or a woman, no prejudice here - who would love me?
It´s weird because this leaves me strangely cold and unmoved. It´s as if I am watching someone else´s life on TV. No emotions here. Weird.
This is not me whining here. No, you really don´t want to find out how whiny I can be. I´m just stating facts. Hm...
