katikat | Fic: Feeling Blue - RPF, Supernatural

Title: Feeling Blue
Author:

katikat
Fandom: RPF (Real People Fic), Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki
Disclaimer: Never happened, never will.
Genre: Gen
Words: 1600
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None.
Summary: "We broke up." Jensen’s voice is quiet, steady but somehow, something is missing in it for it sounds a little hollow too.
Notes: A big thank-you goes to my wonderful beta,

yami_tai!

"Where is he?" Jared asks quietly as he leans over the bar.

When Artie called him to come as there was something wrong with Jensen, Jared didn't even think twice about it and hopped into his car. Artie is a good guy, he used to work as an electrician on the set during the first season of Supernatural but when he figured out that there was no real career to be made there, he decided that it was time for a change and bought a bar called Louie’s. He kept the name even though there was no Louie anymore and his bar became the crew's favorite place to hang out, knowing there was no paparazzi hidden under the tables.

And now, leaning against the bar and seeing Artie's worried expression, Jared feels his stomach clench painfully. Artie has seen them drunk out of their minds and battered - in Jared's case even broken - but he has never looked at them like that.

Artie throws the dishcloth that he was using to polish the already squeaky clean glasses over his shoulder and points at one of the booths in the corner. Jared turns around and squints because the bar is in semi-darkness, offering guests much needed privacy. But sure enough, he can see a figure slumped inside a booth, a bottle of beer in one hand.

Jared turns back to Artie, frowning. "How much did he drink?"

"That's it," Artie says with a sigh. "He is still on his first beer. And he has been here for over two hours now, Jared. Alone. I mean, I know that he's not much of a drinker but..." He shrugs, eying their friend.

Nodding, Jared straightens. "I will see what I can do," he promises. "Thanks, Artie."

The older man nods. "Always, you know that."

Jared nods and heads out the back, weaving through the tables and nodding to friends, but not stopping, eyes trained on his mark. And then he is sliding inside the booth and sitting down opposite Jensen, leaning against the fake leather upholstery and laying both hands on the spotless table, fingers entwined.

Jensen is not looking at him. He is staring intently at his still half-full beer bottle, slowly peeling the label off, dropping bits of paper on the dark surface of the little table. "I thought that Artie would call you," Jensen mutters in the end, when the silence between the two friends grows too long, too heavy.

Jared smirks. "Yeah, you know, he is a worrywart." When Jensen doesn't offer a smart ass remark, Jared frowns and leans closer, bracing his elbows on the table, his hands hanging down. "Does he have a reason? To worry?"

Another long silence settles over them and Jared is convinced that Jensen won't answer. And that worries him because when Jensen refuses to talk, it's really bad. Jared opens his mouth to say... something but Jensen is quicker. It's taken him these long minutes but he does answer his friend's question.

"We broke up." Jensen’s voice is quiet, steady but somehow, something is missing in it for it sounds a little hollow too.

Jared has to blink twice, three times before it clicks. "You and Danneel?"

Jensen doesn't say anything, but keeps peeling the label off the bottle, the pile of paper bits growing bigger.

"But how... why?" Jared is confused, totally and completely confused. "I mean, we were... we were out together just a couple of days ago, you, me, Sandy and Danneel and you seemed okay, perfect even. And we work together every day and you didn't say anything." Jared is perplexed, upset because Jensen and Danneel? They are... were the poster couple of happiness. "What happened?"

Smiling bitterly, Jensen gives one stubborn piece of paper a hard yank, a few droplets of beer splashing on the table. "Life happened, is all."

Jared wants to ask questions, he wants to ask how it happened, what the reason was and if Jensen and Danneel are still talking at least and... There are so many questions and they are all jumbled together because this? Jared really didn't expect this. He thought, he was truly convinced that this time, it would work out for Jensen, that this time...

"Are you okay?" Jared asks softly, the most important question. "This is..."

Jensen interrupts him. "My life in a nutshell." There is so much self-hatred in his voice that Jared's breath catches in his throat. He has never seen Jensen like this.

Setting the bottle on the table, Jensen finally looks up. And Jared is even more worried than before because Jensen looks like death warmed up, pale skin and chapped lips, but it's his eyes, dark and dry and empty that hurt the most. Jared's stomach twists with anxiety. His need to make it all better, to fix Jensen somehow kicks in and he says the first thing he can think about, anything to make Jensen stop looking like the world is ending.

"Why don't you come over for dinner?" Jared offers and this idea immediately enthuses him. "Sandy is here and she is cooking and I bet that she would love to see you again." He leans closer, his eyes shining, trying to breathe some spark of life into Jensen again.

Jensen chuckles but it's not a happy sound. He lowers his eyes to the table again and shakes his head. "No, thanks, but no. I wouldn't be the greatest company right now. And besides, even though your girlfriend is aspiring to sainthood I bet even she would be tired of me hanging around all the time, man."

Shaking his head, Jared says eagerly: "No, I'm sure that she wouldn't mind. Really, Jensen," he stresses, seeing his friend shaking his head again. "Jensen..."

But Jensen interrupts him, laying his hands palm down on the table. "Look, man. As much as I love you and Sandy both, I just... I..." It suddenly looks like he’s run out of steam because he lowers his head and closes his eyes. Jared waits silently because he has no clue what Jensen is trying to say. "I just... I don't want to see you now, okay?" he admits so softly that Jared is not even sure if he heard right.

"What?" he asks, bewildered because he only meant to help and he is sure that Sandy would be delighted to see Jensen and lighten up his mood a bit because she likes him like a brother. But now, now he doesn't know what to think... "What are you saying?" He pulls away a bit, as if bracing himself.

It takes a small eternity but in the end, Jensen raises his head and looks directly at Jared and there is so much pain in his eyes that it makes Jared's chest ache. "It just hurts too much," Jensen admits and it sounds like the words were torn directly from his soul. But now that the floodgates have opened, he continues as if needing to say it, to share everything. "It hurts to see you and Sandy so happy, to see you have this thing knowing that even though I try and try and try again, I can't find it. And sometimes I feel like I will be always alone and that I will never be as happy and then I even hate you for having this perfect relationship and it's so selfish that I hate myself for even thinking something like that. Because it's not true and I love you, man, you and Sandy and even your stupid dogs that feel like home and..." Jensen's voice breaks and he leans over the table, digging the heels of his palms into his eyes, biting his lower lip.

And Jared sits there, stunned speechless, eyes wide. He doesn't know what to say because he never knew, never suspected that Jensen feels like this. He always seemed to bounce back after every break-up like nothing happened, like everything was just peachy. And Jared curses himself for being a fool because he should never have forgotten what a great actor Jensen is, showing always just what other people want to see.

Reaching out, Jared whispers gently: "Jensen..."

But Jensen jumps up, out of Jared's reach. "I have to get out of here," he says and his voice is a bit wild. "I... I will take a cab home. See ya on the set." Throwing a twenty on the table, he stuffs his wallet inside the back pocket of his jeans. And before Jared can react, he's already moving away from the table, not looking at Jared, as if afraid of what he will see on his friend's face.

"Jensen!" Jared cries out but before he can slide his long body out of the booth, Jensen is already at the door, pushing it open, disappearing into the night, leaving Jared behind.

And when Jared runs out of the bar, turning his head from side to side quickly, looking around, the street is busy and the side-walk full of milling people and Jensen is nowhere to be found. Kicking a Cola can hard, Jared curses loud. "Shit. Jensen, you fucking idiot!"

And when Monday comes and the filming starts once more, everything seems to be just fine, just like always and Jensen is smiling and being charming and friendly, but now, Jared knows, he has seen the ugly, dark desperation lurking under the deceptively calm surface and he has no intention of just letting it go. There must be something that he can do. And he will find a way!

The End