(fic) Secrets and Insecurities - The Sentinel
Sep. 22nd, 2009 09:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
katikatSecrets and Insecurities
First Times, Smarm ~ SLASH J/B ~ Blair has a secret...
“I’m a virgin.”
“What?”
That was the only response I could think of to say. Blair's statement hit me directly out left field. We were laying in my bed upstairs in the process of making love for the first time. Our road to this moment was rocky enough and now he pulls a stunt like that. Out of nowhere he pulls out this baseball bat and wham! He hits me over my head with it, completely freezing my hand as I was about to reach over to caress the very lips which sprouted this shocking revelation.
“I… I… haven’t…”
Blair blushed adorably, eyes downcast. I haven’t ever imagined that Blair – the I-have-risen-through-the-world-and-know-everything guy – would be able to blush.
“… You know…,” he stressed still not able to meet my eyes. Blair waved his free hand between them to indicate their situation, but was unable to meet his eyes.
Oh, god. “You mean you haven’t slept with any guy, right?”
I could still hope, right? I mean surely he was stretching the truth in typical Sandburg style. No way was Mr - I'm never free on a Friday or Saturday night – inexperienced.
I wouldn’t have believed it was possible for him to get even redder, but the crimson blush was spreading over his cheeks and down over his neck. Hell, even his nose was a nice rosy hue.
“No… I mean, yeah… um…. No…”
It was pretty obvious that the man I loved more than my life was confused. Even if his speech hadn't indicated it, him picking at the frayed strands of his ratty sleeping shirt would give me the clue. He still didn’t look me in the eyes.
Okay, Ellison, take a deep breath. This is NOT the first virgin you've had in your bed, right? Right. Hell, you've even been a virgin yourself once. You know what he feels. He's insecure, nervous, vulnerable…and my interrogating him won't help him.
I lowered myself next to him from my sitting position where I had bolted after hearing his unexpected news, propping myself on my right elbow.
“Blair, look at me, please…” I whispered using a voice I'd usually reserved for victims at crime scenes.
He didn’t look up. Just the opposite. He buried himself even more deeply into his pillow, locking his eyes on the small hole he had made in his shirt these last couple of minutes.
“Blair?”
When he still didn’t look into my eyes I put the index finger of my right hand under his chin and forced him gently to look up. The vulnerability, insecurity and even fear in his eyes made my heart clench.
“Why didn't you say something earlier? We could have gone slowly…”
Despite the situation he was in, he smirked. “I don’t think there is anybody who could go even slower than us. Four years, Jim?”
I smiled too. He had a point. But then I sombered. “Why, Blair? Why haven’t you ever told me?” There was gentleness in my voice I didn’t know I was capable of.
I could feel him tense and for a moment it looked like he wouldn’t' answer my question. But then… “I was afraid I would lose you,” he blurted out quickly avoiding my eyes once again.
“Why?” I asked again. I really couldn’t see the reasoning behind his actions.
“You had… all those beautiful and experienced women… and I… well, I'm a GUY! And if that wasn't enough, I'm a guy with little to no experience at all. You see my point? Tell me if everything didn’t speak against me in this situation.”
I sighed. From his point of view – yes, I could see his point. But still… “You thought I would reject just because you didn’t behave like the table leg I called you all these years?”
This time it was him who sighed and started to pick at his shirt again. I caught his hand in mine, stopping his ministration. After a tense moment of silence, he looked up at me.
“Chief. I would never reject you.” He started to say something but I put the index finger of my left hand over his mouth stilling him. “Don’t bring this Alex stuff up again, okay? I thought we were over this already.” He nodded hesitantly looking away. “I would never reject you because of your lack of experience in this field, lover.” Cradling his head in my hand, I stroked his cheek with the tip of my thumb. “Do you know what an incredible gift you are ready to give me?”
Startled he looked back at me. For once he was speechless, the surprise evident in his soulful, blue eyes.
“Yes, it’s a great gift, Blair. It’s obvious that you have waited this long because you wanted to find the Right One. And I feel honored that you think you have him in me.”
I could see and feel the tension melt slowly from his body. Some part of what I was saying must have been getting through to him. I was on the right path obviously.
“It’s just… if you had told me I would have approached you differently. I would have courted you, taken you out. I would have made it really worthwhile and unforgettable.”
He caught my hand that was still caressing his cheek and dropped a quick peck on it. “You made it just perfect. Don’t you see, Jim? I don’t need to be courted. I’m already yours. I have been yours for the last four years. You are the center of my universe. You make my life worth living. I came back from the death only because you called.”
I winced at the mentioning of the horrible morning when I found him floating face down in the fountain.
“I gave up my careeer for you.”
I had to look away from his wide and trusting eyes at another unpleasant reminder of my bad moments.
This time it was him who forced me to look into his eyes with a gentle motion of his hand. “But I have no regrets, not one. I would do it all again and without hesitation. Even if I knew where my life was heading I wouldn’t change my course.”
We looked into each others eyes for what seemed to be eternity. He had my hand pressed against his heart covering it with his own. The soothing thu-thump of his heart was like a soothing balm on my ragged nerves. The caress of his right hand on my left cheek…
I sighed contently and then bent down capturing his lips with my own. It wasn’t our first kiss but it seemed like if it was. His lips were soft and yielding, wet and warm… a haven for crazy senses.
Reluctantly releasing him, I leaned back to read the truth in his bright eyes. There was no fear anymore, only understanding, and my heart unclenched from relief.
For a moment I was afraid I would do something wrong, causing him bolting away in panic. I don’t even know what helped to ease his nervousness. Was it my reassurance that I consider his virginity a gift? Or were it his own words that brought this realization to him, an understanding that we would stay together no matter what happened. All the grief and misery we experienced in the last couple of months helped us prove something – nothing could ever be bad enough for us to break apart. Despite the fissures our bond suffered under the onslaught of bad incidents, we were able to repair and fuse our bond even stronger than before.
His action of kissing me again, tracing my lips with his tongue brought me back from my musings. Oh god, for an innocent virgin he is really good. I sighed happily feeling my body respond to his ministrations.
But then something struck me and I moved my mouth away just enough to remain bent over him. He looked uncertainly at me. “Chief, but what about all these women you were with?”
He opened eyes that had been closing with lust wide, an incredulous look in them. “Jim, we are together in bed, I’m in the process of finally losing my virginity and you want to talk about women I WASN’T with?”
I must admit it sounded strange, but still, I was curious. “Yeah, it seems that I do.”
He grinned and smiled brightly, his smile lighting up the room. “Jim, you are impossible!”
Now I was grinning too. “Yeah, I know. But you still love me!”
His smile softened. “Yeah, I do, big guy…" He raised one hand to trace intricate little patterns on my chest as he thought about his response. "About all these women… I had to take care of my image, right? But that wasn’t the real reason…” he trailed off.
Well, now I was really curious!
“I just didn’t want to look like a love sick puppy running after you when you obviously weren't interested in me. I tried to take a couple of them into my bed. But every time I closed my eyes while being with them, the only thing I could see was you. Your smile, your eyes…” He was tracing my lips with his fingers, then he moved up to my eyebrows. “And I realized that no substitute will ever be able to replace the original.” And with that he kissed me again, so profoundly I could feel the fire starting to boil in my belly again.
The kiss was everything you could think about: hot, passionate, mindblowing. And when it ended it was only because of us being on the verge of losing consciousness from lack of oxygen.
I eased back a little, watching Blair’s face as he floated back to earth from the experience. His cheeks were flushed with passion, his lips were slightly open and moist, his eyes….his beautiful blue eyes were half lidded and filled with lust. But there was more in his eyes than a simple lust. There was love and trust… And suddenly that made ME insecure.
Am I good enough for him? What if he wouldn’t like our love making? What if I’m NOT the right one for him? What if…
Blair took my head into his hands and brought it back down kissing me gently again. He released me then and caressing my cheek he smiled. “Stop, Jim,” he whispered. “YOU are everything I need and everything I longed my whole life for. I was waiting for you, saving myself for you. I knew I would recognize the “right one” for me at first sight. And it was you. Back then in my office. After you had thrown me against the wall and leaned in so close… the only thing I wanted was to kiss you sensless right there.” His incredibly sweet smile touched his lips again. “You ARE the one, Jim. You have to trust me there.”
And suddenly I did. I realized we were destined to be together. In this life and beyond. Nothing will keep us apart ever again. Not my stupidity, not any twist of fate, not even our death.
I rolled to lie down on my back pulling him into my arms on top of me. I clung to him for dear life, and kissed the top of his head, laughing out loud when I felt him trying to worm his hands under my back in his own need to hug me. When he didn’t succeed he propped himself on his elbows and looked into my face. His own face was glowing with happiness. I haven’t seen him so satisfied and content in ages, and it felt so good to see it now.
“I love you, James Joseph Ellison. In this life and the next,” he whispered his oath.
“I love you too, Blair Jacob Sandburg. In this life and the next.” I took my words as seriously as he did. This was an oath for eternity. And we sealed it with a kiss.
And then…? Then we made love…
The End
First Times, Smarm ~ SLASH J/B ~ Blair has a secret...
“I’m a virgin.”
“What?”
That was the only response I could think of to say. Blair's statement hit me directly out left field. We were laying in my bed upstairs in the process of making love for the first time. Our road to this moment was rocky enough and now he pulls a stunt like that. Out of nowhere he pulls out this baseball bat and wham! He hits me over my head with it, completely freezing my hand as I was about to reach over to caress the very lips which sprouted this shocking revelation.
“I… I… haven’t…”
Blair blushed adorably, eyes downcast. I haven’t ever imagined that Blair – the I-have-risen-through-the-world-and-know-everything guy – would be able to blush.
“… You know…,” he stressed still not able to meet my eyes. Blair waved his free hand between them to indicate their situation, but was unable to meet his eyes.
Oh, god. “You mean you haven’t slept with any guy, right?”
I could still hope, right? I mean surely he was stretching the truth in typical Sandburg style. No way was Mr - I'm never free on a Friday or Saturday night – inexperienced.
I wouldn’t have believed it was possible for him to get even redder, but the crimson blush was spreading over his cheeks and down over his neck. Hell, even his nose was a nice rosy hue.
“No… I mean, yeah… um…. No…”
It was pretty obvious that the man I loved more than my life was confused. Even if his speech hadn't indicated it, him picking at the frayed strands of his ratty sleeping shirt would give me the clue. He still didn’t look me in the eyes.
Okay, Ellison, take a deep breath. This is NOT the first virgin you've had in your bed, right? Right. Hell, you've even been a virgin yourself once. You know what he feels. He's insecure, nervous, vulnerable…and my interrogating him won't help him.
I lowered myself next to him from my sitting position where I had bolted after hearing his unexpected news, propping myself on my right elbow.
“Blair, look at me, please…” I whispered using a voice I'd usually reserved for victims at crime scenes.
He didn’t look up. Just the opposite. He buried himself even more deeply into his pillow, locking his eyes on the small hole he had made in his shirt these last couple of minutes.
“Blair?”
When he still didn’t look into my eyes I put the index finger of my right hand under his chin and forced him gently to look up. The vulnerability, insecurity and even fear in his eyes made my heart clench.
“Why didn't you say something earlier? We could have gone slowly…”
Despite the situation he was in, he smirked. “I don’t think there is anybody who could go even slower than us. Four years, Jim?”
I smiled too. He had a point. But then I sombered. “Why, Blair? Why haven’t you ever told me?” There was gentleness in my voice I didn’t know I was capable of.
I could feel him tense and for a moment it looked like he wouldn’t' answer my question. But then… “I was afraid I would lose you,” he blurted out quickly avoiding my eyes once again.
“Why?” I asked again. I really couldn’t see the reasoning behind his actions.
“You had… all those beautiful and experienced women… and I… well, I'm a GUY! And if that wasn't enough, I'm a guy with little to no experience at all. You see my point? Tell me if everything didn’t speak against me in this situation.”
I sighed. From his point of view – yes, I could see his point. But still… “You thought I would reject just because you didn’t behave like the table leg I called you all these years?”
This time it was him who sighed and started to pick at his shirt again. I caught his hand in mine, stopping his ministration. After a tense moment of silence, he looked up at me.
“Chief. I would never reject you.” He started to say something but I put the index finger of my left hand over his mouth stilling him. “Don’t bring this Alex stuff up again, okay? I thought we were over this already.” He nodded hesitantly looking away. “I would never reject you because of your lack of experience in this field, lover.” Cradling his head in my hand, I stroked his cheek with the tip of my thumb. “Do you know what an incredible gift you are ready to give me?”
Startled he looked back at me. For once he was speechless, the surprise evident in his soulful, blue eyes.
“Yes, it’s a great gift, Blair. It’s obvious that you have waited this long because you wanted to find the Right One. And I feel honored that you think you have him in me.”
I could see and feel the tension melt slowly from his body. Some part of what I was saying must have been getting through to him. I was on the right path obviously.
“It’s just… if you had told me I would have approached you differently. I would have courted you, taken you out. I would have made it really worthwhile and unforgettable.”
He caught my hand that was still caressing his cheek and dropped a quick peck on it. “You made it just perfect. Don’t you see, Jim? I don’t need to be courted. I’m already yours. I have been yours for the last four years. You are the center of my universe. You make my life worth living. I came back from the death only because you called.”
I winced at the mentioning of the horrible morning when I found him floating face down in the fountain.
“I gave up my careeer for you.”
I had to look away from his wide and trusting eyes at another unpleasant reminder of my bad moments.
This time it was him who forced me to look into his eyes with a gentle motion of his hand. “But I have no regrets, not one. I would do it all again and without hesitation. Even if I knew where my life was heading I wouldn’t change my course.”
We looked into each others eyes for what seemed to be eternity. He had my hand pressed against his heart covering it with his own. The soothing thu-thump of his heart was like a soothing balm on my ragged nerves. The caress of his right hand on my left cheek…
I sighed contently and then bent down capturing his lips with my own. It wasn’t our first kiss but it seemed like if it was. His lips were soft and yielding, wet and warm… a haven for crazy senses.
Reluctantly releasing him, I leaned back to read the truth in his bright eyes. There was no fear anymore, only understanding, and my heart unclenched from relief.
For a moment I was afraid I would do something wrong, causing him bolting away in panic. I don’t even know what helped to ease his nervousness. Was it my reassurance that I consider his virginity a gift? Or were it his own words that brought this realization to him, an understanding that we would stay together no matter what happened. All the grief and misery we experienced in the last couple of months helped us prove something – nothing could ever be bad enough for us to break apart. Despite the fissures our bond suffered under the onslaught of bad incidents, we were able to repair and fuse our bond even stronger than before.
His action of kissing me again, tracing my lips with his tongue brought me back from my musings. Oh god, for an innocent virgin he is really good. I sighed happily feeling my body respond to his ministrations.
But then something struck me and I moved my mouth away just enough to remain bent over him. He looked uncertainly at me. “Chief, but what about all these women you were with?”
He opened eyes that had been closing with lust wide, an incredulous look in them. “Jim, we are together in bed, I’m in the process of finally losing my virginity and you want to talk about women I WASN’T with?”
I must admit it sounded strange, but still, I was curious. “Yeah, it seems that I do.”
He grinned and smiled brightly, his smile lighting up the room. “Jim, you are impossible!”
Now I was grinning too. “Yeah, I know. But you still love me!”
His smile softened. “Yeah, I do, big guy…" He raised one hand to trace intricate little patterns on my chest as he thought about his response. "About all these women… I had to take care of my image, right? But that wasn’t the real reason…” he trailed off.
Well, now I was really curious!
“I just didn’t want to look like a love sick puppy running after you when you obviously weren't interested in me. I tried to take a couple of them into my bed. But every time I closed my eyes while being with them, the only thing I could see was you. Your smile, your eyes…” He was tracing my lips with his fingers, then he moved up to my eyebrows. “And I realized that no substitute will ever be able to replace the original.” And with that he kissed me again, so profoundly I could feel the fire starting to boil in my belly again.
The kiss was everything you could think about: hot, passionate, mindblowing. And when it ended it was only because of us being on the verge of losing consciousness from lack of oxygen.
I eased back a little, watching Blair’s face as he floated back to earth from the experience. His cheeks were flushed with passion, his lips were slightly open and moist, his eyes….his beautiful blue eyes were half lidded and filled with lust. But there was more in his eyes than a simple lust. There was love and trust… And suddenly that made ME insecure.
Am I good enough for him? What if he wouldn’t like our love making? What if I’m NOT the right one for him? What if…
Blair took my head into his hands and brought it back down kissing me gently again. He released me then and caressing my cheek he smiled. “Stop, Jim,” he whispered. “YOU are everything I need and everything I longed my whole life for. I was waiting for you, saving myself for you. I knew I would recognize the “right one” for me at first sight. And it was you. Back then in my office. After you had thrown me against the wall and leaned in so close… the only thing I wanted was to kiss you sensless right there.” His incredibly sweet smile touched his lips again. “You ARE the one, Jim. You have to trust me there.”
And suddenly I did. I realized we were destined to be together. In this life and beyond. Nothing will keep us apart ever again. Not my stupidity, not any twist of fate, not even our death.
I rolled to lie down on my back pulling him into my arms on top of me. I clung to him for dear life, and kissed the top of his head, laughing out loud when I felt him trying to worm his hands under my back in his own need to hug me. When he didn’t succeed he propped himself on his elbows and looked into my face. His own face was glowing with happiness. I haven’t seen him so satisfied and content in ages, and it felt so good to see it now.
“I love you, James Joseph Ellison. In this life and the next,” he whispered his oath.
“I love you too, Blair Jacob Sandburg. In this life and the next.” I took my words as seriously as he did. This was an oath for eternity. And we sealed it with a kiss.
And then…? Then we made love…
The End
