My Thesis

[katikat]

As some of you know, the theme of my thesis is the split personality as portrayed in the books of Hermann Hesse. For that I need to read three books: Unterm Rad, Demian and Narziss und Goldmund. Right now, I'm reading Unterm Rad (Under the Wheel). It's about an intelligent boy from whom everybody - his teachers, his father, the whole town - demands too much. They want him to go to a sorta boarding school, to be the best, to study during holidays and long into the night with no regards to his desires or health. In the end he snaps under the pressure and has a nervous breakdown that leads to him being thrown out of the school. And when he returns home he realizes that he has no friends, that people mock him for his failure, that his father hates him for his sickness. He starts to work here and there but he never quite fits in anywhere. And in the end he dies. We never learn if it was a suicide or an accident. It's a really sad story.

But the most horrifying thing is that I can see myself in this boy. Always doing my best, even the impossible to meet the demands of others. And "this is not good enough" and "that is not good enough" and "nonsense, of course you can do it" and "what? you failed? are you serious?" and "you should go there and do that and it's easy for you". And me studying for hours and hours until my head ached like crazy and my eyes burned and I was on the verge of despair because after hours and hours I found out that I couldn't remember a thing. In the last 7 years I had only one B, every other exam I aced. Six exams per semester, do your math. Sometimes it's a real burden to be smart and intelligent...

Back to the book Unterm Rad though. Hesse's books are full of homosexual tendencies, that's why I chose him for my thesis. Even in Unterm Rad there is a kiss between the boys Hans and Hermann and the author admits that they share the first love together... That would be so incredibly cute if you didn't know how the story ends.

But reading this book gave me a plot bunny for a 13+5 story. michalyn, where are you? I need to bounce ideas! *pouts*

But I finally started to work on the HaruToki story for the "our distance and that person" challenge. I wanted the fic to have 2500 words but just the first scene has almost 1000 words >.< So...

981 / 5,000 (19.0%)

Comments

[seraphim-grace.livejournal.com]

that sounds desperately familiar. I have something similar but months of counselling showed me that it was a bit backhanded with me, they would spend months telling me i was out of my depth and then when i did fail (even if it was only slightly like gettng a b instead of an a) they would tell me i couldn't cope.
I became fixated on Ludwig II and Rupert Brooke because i saw myself in them and like both of them i snapped under the pressure and had a nervous breakdown.
I'm better now, I'll never be well but I'm getting stronger every day and I'm learning that i don't need other people to expect anything of me because i have to expect it of myself. It's nasty, I'll concede that, I have to watch that part of myself that does what they expect and deliberately fails. But I'm going to grad school in october so it can't all be bad.
But i do clearly remember sitting in the therapist's office saying i wanted to be stupid- that i honestly believed most of my problems came from being intelligent. I was wrong, it just meant i suffered more. I'm still very wary of praise, I'm not used to it, but I'm learning.
So i understand completely. It's good to sympathise because sometimes your subconscious knows more than you do. (incidentally both of the beautiful young men i fixated on were gay. I'm not, but it kinda predisposed me to yaoi)

[moonraven-croft.livejournal.com]

*squeals* I love your new layout!!!! *drools over Wufei*

*ahem* Sorry. Wanted to give you a hug but Wufei distracted me for a minute there. ^__^

So... (((((HUGS))))) That story sounds so sad. It would just depress me to no end.

Take care, okay?

[michalyn.livejournal.com]

13+5!!! ^___^ Oh I'm so excited! Sorry I missed you. Will you be online tomorrow?

[katikat.livejournal.com]

I have only one year to go at the U and no more exams except for the state exams at the end of the year, so hopefully, it won't be as bad this year :) Thank you for your support. Sometimes the hardest thing is the feeling that it's just you to whom the crap is happening *smooch*

[katikat.livejournal.com]

Hehe, Wufei looks really cool in that pic, doesn't he? ;D

And thank you for the hugs! *smooch*