Fic: Waiting (Forever) - XMFC

[katikat]

Hey, I totally forgot about this fic that I wrote for 1stclass_kink!

"Waiting (Forever)" by me | Gen or Erik/Charles pre-slash | Prompt: When Erik leaves at the end of the movie, he doesn't know that Charles can't feel his legs and is/will be paralyzed (...). I want Erik to learn of this a bit later and react (especially with how hard he took that Charles got hurt at all). | Beta: yami_tai | ~1.000 words

"I'm sorry."

At first I thought it was Moira, must've been all the morphine - or maybe the fact that when he left me, his thoughts were hidden from me, a blank spot that almost hurt to touch. But not now...

"Erik," I whispered before opening my eyes.

He was sitting in the chair next to my hospital bed, in the place where Moira usually sat and towards which I was turned, lying on my side and propped up with pillows that relieved the pressure on my back. He looked tired, sad and defeated - and he was holding my hand, the one with all the IVs stuck in it. Our fingers were tangled together, the smallest of touches but he must've known he would be granting me access to his mind and emotions, even in my current drug addled state.

"Hey," he responded just as quietly, rubbing the knuckles of my hand with his thumb and unable to look me in the eyes.

I swallowed hard, my mouth dry and throat parched, feeling slightly dizzy from looking at the world sideways. "How did you get in here?" The hospital had the best security, Moira had taken care of that.

He shrugged. "Does it matter?"

"Guess not..." I said and shrugged too, forgetting the wound in my back for a moment. Even with all the morphine, it hurt and I hissed.

Finally, he looked up with wide, pained eyes and squeezed my fingers. I could feel his regret.

"What..." He cleared his throat. "What did the doctors say?" he asked, his voice uncertain.

I had to blink a couple of times to push back tears. The others thought I was brave and composed in the face of all that had happened - I just cried when I was alone, when there was no one to see because there was no need to burden them too, they all had enough to deal with. I looked down at our entwined fingers and admitted softly, "I will never walk again."

He took a sharp breath and I could feel his mind freeze for a moment - I didn't probe; because of his touch, his thoughts and feelings were a gentle current underneath mine. And now, for a moment, there was nothing there, as if he had put that god-awful helmet back on, but then...

Shock, pain, guilt and grief, they rushed into me, so strong they took my breath away. "Sorry, I'm so, so sorry, Charles." He lowered his head, pressing his forehead to our entwined hands. "Please, forgive me..."

I reached out slowly with my free hand, touching his bowed head, running my fingers through his soft hair. "It's okay, Erik, it's okay," I whispered and I meant it, every word. I held no blame, no hate for him in my heart - I couldn't, feeling his thoughts and emotions. I knew that if he could, he would take it all back, he would take it all on himself to spare me. My eyes prickled with the renewed knowledge that there was still good in him, as strong as ever, it was just hidden beneath all the hate.

He raised his head sharply and the hand I had buried in his hair flopped to the mattress. "How can you even say that? I did this! You said it yourself, back there on the beach!"

His eyes were full of fire and I could feel his self-hatred. I couldn't let him believe it, it would be wrong. "I didn't mean it," I said.

That stopped him. "What?"

I squeezed his fingers, letting him feel my sincerity. "You were killing Moira, Erik. And with that... thing on your head..." I shook my head. "I had to stop you, I had to get to you before you killed her. Another person on your conscience."

I knew he was feeling my sincerity, yet he seemed more confused than ever. "But I did it. If I didn't deflect that bullet your way...!"

"It was an accident, a stupid accident and bad luck!" I said sharply - or as sharply as I could manage while drugged half out of my mind. "You should've both been more careful, playing with guns around other people, but it was an accident." He was still shaking his head, so I added, "Or wasn't it? Did you do it on purpose?"

His eyes widened. "What? No. No, Charles! I wouldn't... I could not... I would never hurt you. Never you. Charles, you... You're the best thing that ever happened to me, don't you get it?" His voice was soft, but urgent, almost pleading.

I blinked again because my eyes started prickling again. I squeezed his fingers tight. "Then come back, Erik. Please, please, it's not too late yet. You're a good man, I can feel the goodness in you. Please, come back."

He hung his head, dropping his gaze. I could feel him withdrawing from me. I had lost him and I knew it.

"I can't, Charles. Your capacity to forgive is limitless and I always admired that about you, no matter what I've said," he smiled slightly, just a quirk of lips, "but I don't have it in me. I just can't. I don't have the same faith in humans you do. And even though I hope you will prove me wrong," he looked me in the eyes, "there needs to be someone like me - in case it's you who's wrong, my friend."

"Erik..." I whispered, but he just stood up, bent down over me and kissed my temple gently, squeezing my fingers one last time before letting go.

"Get well, Charles," he said, stroking my hair and smiling at me sadly.

I watched him go, slip out of the door and into the hall darkened for the night, with an aching heart, knowing that the next time we saw each other, we would stand on opposite sides. Yet...

If you ever change your mind, I sent out, not even knowing if he could still hear me or not, I'll be here, I'll be always here... waiting for you.

The End